Dreaming... And Wanting to Never Wake Up
Oct. 28th, 2007
07:28 pm - Putting Things In Perspective
For those of you that may or may not know, from mid-April until early October I worked for Floral Gardens Cemetery in Bay City. It simply wasn't working out, and now I find myself trying to figure out what it is that I am truly meant to do. I'm scared and excited, but mostly left with lots of self-doubt.
While I do have mixed emotions about my time working at the cemetery, I can walk away saying that I learned more about life in those nearly 6 months than in all the rest of my life. In college, I learned a lot about myself and the world around me. In those 6 months, I learned about life - about love, family, death, hope, and how people deal with the inevitable. Some of the lessons I learned due to my position as family service counselor, while others were learned via the death of family members and friends.
I just can't help but wonder what is next. I'm more than ready to get on with my life. I need a purpose. Something good is bound to happen. I've been surround by too much sickness, death, and loss lately. Hopefully I will soon discover exactly why I'm here, what it is that I'm meant to do.
Jul. 7th, 2007
11:52 pm - What's Going On...
Need to get back to writing!
Apr. 7th, 2007
01:05 am - Long Delayed Post...
These past few months, and last month in particular, saw many changes in my life and the lives of my loved ones. Things are going to be OK. My life is about to change for the better (more details when it is official), my baby sister is engaged to a very sweet Kalamazoo cop, and my Grandpa Buttrick is still with us after giving us many a scare. I just felt as though I had to pop in.
After a very harsh, depressing winter, things are looking up, even if the weather in Michigan still says February.
Dec. 18th, 2006
Let's face it, birthdays are a drag after age 21. After 25, they're just about impossible! I feel really old already. Oh well, I'll get over it.
Anyway, I plan on getting back into writing in my LJ and in my blogs.
Take care and a Very Merry Christmas!
Oct. 4th, 2006
12:57 am - What Am I to Do?
It feels good to be back among the living again - especially writing. I have to admit that I'm still working on getting everything together and plunging ahead. It is hard for me not to continue feeling like a failure. True, the worst is behind me, but I truly have tons of work to do in all areas of my life.
Oddly, the biggest areas I would say are writing and organizing. I've truly neglected my writing this past summer and need to get things back on track (which I'm working on) and I don't think that I've been this disorganized in my entire life. I've spent the last year and a half both worrying about everyone else but me and wallowing in self-pity. I know both sound mutually exclusive, but in reality, they aren't. Let me put it this way - I haven't been taking care of myself as I should - either way. When I wasn't worrying about Brian (being unemployed in Houston and the first months we were back here), Dad (being sick last fall, winter, and spring), Garrett (shattering his elbow), Erica (cancer scare), and my Mom (holding it all together, four wheeler incident last summer) - I was trying to hold my own pathetic existence together.
You know, in updating my Monster.com profile - TRULY updating it this time - I realized just how much I did at MSU. I'm also creating a comprehensive resume that includes EVERYTHING I did in high school, college, and beyond. It amazes me how far I've come (my first resume created in college is a far cry from what it is today - 6/7 years later), but it also saddens me in a way. It makes me realize that there is so much more that I want out of life. Things used to be so simple - just go out there and GRAB it by the cajones... (and that is EXACTLY what I did in college). I've since matured and realize what an effect it has on my family and loved ones (and no, those certainly aren't mutually exclusive).
Anyway... I'm still struggling to find some type of balance. Fortunately, I think that I'm now well on my way.
Much more later.
Aug. 20th, 2006
11:38 pm - It Has Been Way, Way Too Long...
There has been way too much going on in my life lately. I'm still looking for a job, trying to find my place in the world. I'm still struggling with all of the same issues that have bene haunting me for years. When is it going to get better? When will things come together for me?
I'm finally getting to the point where I just have to move on and put one foot in front of the other, even though I have no clue as to where I'm going. I've had too many ideas, too many interests, and no opportunity lately.
Ah well. I'm just glad that I'm far from old (at least the way I look at it!). I have to admit, I don't think that I'm yet over the fact that I feel that I've been rejected (snubbed may be a better word) by certain aspects of my extended family (those of you who know me know what I'm talking about). Someone who I used to look up to as a child was in the exact same situation 5 years ago. She now holds a position that I'd love! There are a lot of positions that I'd being willing and eager to fill; however, they won't even consider me - even though I have credentials that are just as good, if not better, than she had coming into the company 5 years ago.
Anyway, I honestly don't believe that it is anything personal; however, that doesn't make it hurt any less. That doesn't make it easier to deal with it at all. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to move on until I truly get over this... but it is almost taboo to even talk about it in my family.
Jul. 18th, 2006
11:37 pm - Interesting Day (Yet Again)
What a day! I spent almost all day working on E-Bay. A few days ago, I just about lost all of my e-bay listings in Turbo Lister. I don't really want to get into the gory details of this mishap, but let's just say that I've been working very hard to get things up and running. Between last night and all of today, quite a lot was accomplished. Of course, there is a lot more to get done. At least now I'm motivated. Hopefully Brian and I will be able to make something out of this business.
I know I've bene neglecting my writing for quite some time, but I'm looking forward to getting back into it. I truly enjoy it once I get going.
Much more later.
Jul. 12th, 2006
11:31 pm - Uncertainty
I keep getting the feeling that I'm still very much as a crossroads in my life. While my career is still on hold, Brian's seems to be humming along. He has now been with Case for 6 months and might soon have the opportunity to take a new position. They are unclear as to whether or not he'll get a raise. In my opinion, it is irrelevant. His willingness to take on new challenges within Case Systems will advance his career faster than anything else - even if I know for a fact that he is doing it out of sheer boredom.
I admit, I'm a bit envious. However, I'm extremely happy for him as well! He certainly deserves to do well! Also, Microsoft has taken to sending him advance copies of new software for him to test now that they are aware that he is an IT professional. Prior to launching his career with Case, he voluntarily signed up to help them test new computer games. Now, they are seeking his advice on other software. In fact, he showed me a version of Vista (due out this fall) on my old Dell (which we are currently slowly upgrading) this evening. Let's just say that he and I both think that they hit the nail right on the head this time. It smacks of the difference of Windows 3.12 to Windows 95 - it is that drastic. The graphics are AMAZING!
Hopefully, we will buy a version this fall.
Much more later.
Jul. 11th, 2006
11:08 pm - Love
This may sound trite, but Brian and I are more in love than ever. I just wish things would transfer to my professional life - or lack thereof.
It seems that each day, my professional dreams drift further and further away. Oh well. It will all eventually come together, right?
I just need to keep moving, even if I'm unsure of exactly where I'm going. I'm just incredibly lucky that I have a wonderful man in my life whom I love, in addition to a loving family.
Why is getting my life together such a struggle? I was much more put together at 18 - ah well.
Jul. 10th, 2006
11:47 pm - Getting Back to Writing
I realize that I've been away from writing way too long. If I'm ever going to get anywhere, make anything of myself, I need to do the work. It is as simple as that. I need to recognize writing for what it is in my life - an extremely positive force that needs to be encouraged. It also happens to be one of two creative outlets I'm comfortable with currently - the other being the internet.
Anyway, I have a lot of plans for what I want to do on-line and with my writing. Over the last couple of days, I created a selling journal on LJ - lindseys_attic. It is tied to my E-Bay store.
Time to get down to work.
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